Knowrhythm.net

Ive been in my back yard digging this fire pit all day and its starting to rain.  The storm seemed to have come out of nowhere and suddenly its pouring outside.  Big ass rain.  In a matter of minutes the pit has filled halfway with water and there is no sign of it slowing up.  I decide to dig a trench to help drain the water out, or at least keep it manageable.  Thankfully the trench idea was a success and I walk back up to the pit to watch.  As the muddy water slowly lowers I notice something sticking out of surface.  Its shaped like a little slender box of some sort.  I bend down to get a better view and see more little boxes being revealed.  With the water completely drained out im looking down into what seems to be a miniature model city, or part of a city.  Its miniature on the scale of a city, though its a about a meter in diameter, filling up the entire pit.  Any other time id think I was looking an oversized snowglobe broken open.

Its stopped raining, giving me more visibility of the city.  I get closer, leaning over the muddy walls of the pit.  The detail is incredible, it all looks so real.  I get further in, my head looking down the sides of the buildings, every brick, window, door is there.  Everything that would be in a real city was accounted for and rendered with a degree of artistry I wouldnt think possible.  I thought the model was smaller than it is, but there seems to be room for me to step down.  Dont remember digging the pit that big?  As I squat down to look at more of the model my world starts to shift.  The buildings are in fact getting larger, or maybe im getting smaller.  Everything is out of proportion and I feel like im falling off one of the buildings to the street.

I make it down safely, suddenly coming to a stop.  The buildings are now at full scale, no longer the miniatures from before.  However, now it seems the city expands much further out than the confines of the pit.  There is no more muddy wall surrounding it and looking to the distance, the streets vanish off into a bright fog.  I cant see whats past it, and im not sure I need to at this point.  I feel like now that im  in here, there are no boundaries anymore.  This city continues on endlessly, no matter which direction I would choose to go.  I want to see it all and I know I will eventually, but im going to start in this place.  Might as well since im already here.

This particular section of the city resembles late-20th century western architecture and planning.  Could be just a familiarity with the building style, but  I feel like ive been here before.  No, im sure of it, I just cant remember where this is.  Its bound to come to me eventually.   Its quiet, or rather silent.  I dont even hear my own footsteps as I  walk down the sidewalk.  No one else is around either.  I am alone here, but I get another feeling there is someone else.  I look around from where im standing expecting to eventually see them but there is nothing but more empty streets.  I can feel them right there, right behind me.  I turn around one last time hoping to catch a glimpse of who, or what is there.  Its then that I notice I have no shadow in this place.  While not in the direct sun, there is plenty of ambient light for shadows to be cast.  Stranger still is nothing else has shadows either.  Everything is evenly lit.  Every place, as far as I can see has the same overcast light quality.  Every place except one area.  The alleyway, not far off, is dark.

I walk over to check it out, footsteps and city still silent, invisible being following behind me.  Its a short alley and definitely dark, though not from any shadows.  The darkness doesnt fall like it should.  Its like someone simply dimmed the lights, only just in this alley.  I continue through the shade leading into the brighter area out the other side.  I step out into a circular courtyard of sorts, storefronts lining the outside, public seating scattered around the open spaces.   There are stone benches attached to giant planters housing some strange palm, fern hybrid tree.  Were the city not empty I imagine there would be people milling about as this is apparently a marketplace.  Being that the shops are closed, or abandoned, its no big surprise.  Looking around some more I can see that there are multiple tiers, similar to the ground floor above.  More stores, more seating areas, connected by glass and stone staircases.  This place is changing, though not before my eyes.  Each time I look in another direction more stairs, walls and structures are there.  Its hard to tell if some of the new architecture is for ornamental or structural functions.  If not for the shops I might think id wandered into some bizarre modern interpretation of a european cathedral.  I decide to explore some more and check out the other floors.  Besides, ive no where else to go at the moment.  The dark alley to the street is no longer where it was and has been replaced by yet another abandoned store.

I close my eyes, and for a moment I can see myself standing in the middle of it all.  I am looking down from above, through the network of curving glass stairs.  I can see myself making my way up to the stairs.  I open my eyes.

Step, step, step, still no sound.  I was expecting at least to hear my footsteps on the stairs, echoing around all the empty space around me.  Music starts playing now.  Im not entirely sure if it suddenly started, or had been playing all the while and I never noticed.  It starts as a simple beat, highs and lows setting the rhythm.  An upright bass slowly makes its way in, creating a smooth melody as the rest of the sounds fill out.  Its the bassline that makes it really stand out. Its quickly turning out to be one of my favorite pieces of music.  I never heard a song so well put together.  It resonates with me so much that I can hear myself humming it in my head.  I quickly come to realize that im not actually humming.  There must be some frequency from the music making the inside of my head do that.  As amazing as this should be, I take it all in stride, still ascending level after level.  The song is getting louder now, with each step.  I cant tell where its coming from and I think now that the volume isnt just increasing.  Its like the song is getting closer to me, an invisible speaker floating in all directions around my head.  By the time I reach the upper floor, the music is fully imbedded in my head, absorbed into my body and faded away to silence.  In an instant it is gone and unfortunately my memory of it fades just as fast.

As I wonder over the possibility of ever hearing the song again I see someone sitting on a row of seats in the distance.  Its an elderly woman.  Maybe she knows where everyone is and what song that was.  Shes like a caricature come to life.  Short curly gray hair, thick black reading glasses (with fake pearl cord), shin length polyester dress, dark beige stockings (with worn elastic), orthopedic shoes and pink wool cardigan (most likely hand knitted herself).  I get no eye contact from her as I approach and she sits motionless.  Im positive shes alive, just off in her own thoughts most likely.  At least I hope so.  “Whats going on with this place?  Why is everything closed?” I ask.  I still get no signs of movement from her but she manages to speak somehow.  “This place was abandoned some time ago.  Nobody comes here anymore since the shops closed.  Its quiet here so I like to come sit and feed the pigeons.”  I guess the music must have been in my head if she thinks its quiet.  No pigeons, or signs of pigeons anywhere either.  Could be the old age.  Shes still there, completely still, content on sitting on her bench, staring off at seemingly nothing.  Im not sure if i want to take this conversation any further so I decide to check out the rest of the area.  Not far off from where the lady was sitting I happen across another dark place.  Its an alley just like the other.  I take this opportunity to leave the shopping area and head back to the street.

Into the shadows again though this time I dont pay much attention to the strange light qualities.  What does grab my attention is the floor.  The stone floor of the alley is wet.  I only realize this because I can hear it, feet splashing with each step.  Its getting deeper as I advance as well.  There is water flowing in from the alley, rising up around my ankles.  I turn left then right, either side of me now rock walls where glass stairs and storefronts once were. Im stand in the middle of a stream now flowing through the center of the shopping district.

The water level is still rising, the size of a river now.  It splashes up on the rocks, changing it to mud, washing it away.  The walls still have their shape, only it appears there is another surface under the rock.  I can see through the darkness of the alley out into the street, or what used to be the street.  The buildings are changing to stone, only to be washed away in the current.  What is that stuff under the rock?

My eyes are closing again.  Its dark for a moment and I can no longer feel the river around my legs.  I can see myself again, from somewhere above.  Its raining now and im looking down into the abandoned district as the water washes it away.  Pulling further back, higher now, the miniature section of the city in view.  The buildings are changing, crumbling and dissolving, revealing another structure underneath.  Still rising.  At this distance I can see what was hidden behind all the buildings and rocks.  There is a human arm there, a shoulder, the size of a city block.  More rain reveals a leg now, a foot.  This city was built upon the body of a sleeping giant.

If there were clouds over the city I would be past them now.  Im outside in my backyard again, looking down into the the muddy firepit.  The city almost completely lost to the unexpected flood, a few remnants of the buildings and rock remain.  I stand over the pit and I can see myself, no longer in the expanse of the abandoned city.  I lie there naked, sleeping, frozen in time, in a shallow pool of mud, as the rain falls around me.

2010.08.11

Its freezing outside.  All thats left is brittle patches of ice where the last of the snow has melted.  Sitting at the window of a coffee shop, I watch a man being harassed and arrested.  The unfortunate man was just out walking his dog.  He was taking a smoke break on one of the public benches outside when the officer walked up.  Cant hear what they are saying but the man is clearly upset, disappointed, but in no way resisting.  I wonder what the hell is so wrong about this man out walking his dog that it takes police to sort out.  As he is being processed I can see more lights down the street, just past the hill.  A couple of cars pull up to the curb with more police following close behind.  Moments later, more cars, more police.  Looks like this is going to be a profitable night for the city.  I cant stand to watch this anymore.

I get up and leave the coffee shop, walking round the corner past the man and his dog, giving him a nod to his situation.  I turn down a side street away from the circus of police when I notice that im completely naked.  Even more curious is given the lack of clothing and low temperature outside, I feel perfectly warm.  Its even cold enough that I can see my breath.  No one else seems to notice either, the temperature or my present lack of clothing.

The sidewalk eventually empties into a grassy courtyard.  Thankfully there is a shop on the other side where I can get some clothes.  While no one else seems to care that im naked, im modest enough to want to cover up my business.  Even the most primitive cultures wear loin cloths.  Walking through the courtyard I come across what looks to be a small population of the city homeless.  Unwashed bodies, ragged hair, unkept beards.  There isnt much visible difference at this distance between them, almost like they are clones.  As I get closer I can see that, much like myself, that they too are naked.  Closer still, it seems that they are sleeping, none moving an inch, deep sleep.  Even closer now, walking past the first of them, it disturbs me to find them missing all of their limbs, amputees, smooth skin stumps where arms and legs would be.  This large collection of peaceful dreamers is comprised of nothing but torsos and heads.  What they are doing here, how did they even get to this place?  Having no way to move themselves they must have been put here by another party.  Homeless, discarded by society in the most literal sense.  I feel bad for all these people and a little worthless myself, having no resource on hand to help them in any way.  I decide the best I can do is let them keep sleeping as I still need to find some clothes for myself.

I tread carefully along the sidewalk as not to wake them.  Moments later a group of young boys show up, acting wild as they do at that age.  They immediately set in on harassing the homeless, first by yelling and teasing them.  Unable to wake them, the boys begin jumping and dancing around the bodies, yelling even louder now.  Still they sleep, not even the slightest movement.  Frustrated now, one of them reaches down, first shaking one of the bodies, then kicking it repeatedly on its side.  This infuriates me and I run over to the boys, striking and shoving them to the ground.  They scatter like cowards crawling and running off in every direction.  I look around to the homeless, still sleeping soundly.  Im beginning to wonder if they will ever wake up.  I let out a slight sigh of relief, again making my way over to the store to get some pants.  I also realize at this point that I have to urinate and if i wait much longer its going to make me start walking funny.  Normally id just find a wall or tree to relieve myself on, unfortunately out here, all those spots have people sleeping next to them.  Im hoping there is a toilet in the shop.

Thankfully the place is still open.  It looks like its about closing time as the store is empty, other than a couple of employees, most of the lights shut off.  I shyly walk up to the shop girl, hands hiding my junk best they can, asking if there are any pants I could borrow.  Staring at me for a moment, strangely unshaken by my nudity, the girl sizes me up then walks off to a back room.  She returns moments later with a pair of dark olive overalls.  Of course they are 3 sizes too large, but ill take what I can get at this point.  Now somewhat clothed, I ask the girl if they have a restroom I could use.  She says that indeed they do and points toward a hallway in the back of the store.  I thank her for the pants and head off in that general direction.  Making my way through the racks of clothes I notice a long glass window along one of the walls.  Directly on the other side is the interior of a nightclub.  The glass must be rather thick, or insulated, as the club is packed, and there is no noise coming from all the chaos.  There is not even the slightest sound from the the band is set up directly in front of the window.  Im not sure whats stranger to me though, the fact that there is no sound, or that all the band members are wearing Santa costumes.  Its cold out, certainly in the months of winter, but im pretty sure its not anywhere near Christmas.  Any other time id stop and try to figure out what the hell was going on, but nature is punching me in the kidneys and if I keep stalling im going to pee my new pants.

Finally I get down the hallway where the toilets are and come to find that the clothing store shares its facilities with the club next door.  Not only are there drunk people milling about in a confined space, but the state of the bathrooms is disgusting.  Floors are soaking wet, air thick with all sorts of foul smells and humid as a steam room.  It almost makes me sick.  I cringe at the fact I have to step around in here barefoot.  If things couldnt get any worse, it appears that all the toilets and urinals are out of order.  Im guessing either broken or clogged from the heavy use by the nightclub.  “Gotta piss in the sink dude” one of the club patrons says to me as hes leaving.  “Fantastic!” im thinking to myself.  They are conveniently located at the far end of the room, on the other side of all the filth.  I take a quick breath and go.  Doing my best Spiderman impression, I try to keep off the ground, balancing and leaping over whatever I can, feeling triumphant as I manage to reach the sinks unsoiled.  The feeling of relief is no doubt incredible but I make sure not to make much of a mess.  Considering the sink next to me is where im going to have to clean up after, I want to keep the splash damage to an absolute minimum.  I do my business and finish washing up.  As I go to dry my hands I am introduced to another wonderful feature of the worlds worst bathroom.  Seems the hand towels are made of plastic, the same thin plastic as grocery bags.  I pull one out of the dispenser and as expected, they dont do a very good job drying anything.  Ive had it with this place and rush out as quickly as humanly possible.  Safe to say ill never be coming back to this place again.

I return to the street, shaking my hands dry, now able to collect myself.  Im no longer distracted by the need to urinate or find some pants.  I find myself returning to the matter of the homeless.  I look across the courtyard again, at all of them lying about, the clones, still sleeping soundly.  I wonder what exactly they are, why they all look so similar, if not exactly the same.  I wonder why they dont have any arms or legs, why they are naked.  Maybe they arent clones at all, or even homeless for that matter.  I think now that they could be parts of the same whole, a collective representation of a single entity, a single multifaceted mind.  Maybe these individual fragments actually share a single pair of arms and legs.  The bodies strewn about the courtyard are resting, waiting while the current owner is away making use of them.  If not here possibly off walking around in some other dream…  I wonder what hes doing, what happens when he returns.  Does he simply give the limbs to another, lying down to wait his turn while the next one wanders off?  I wonder if hes naked too, perhaps looking for a pair of pants of his own.

2010.07.31

Returning to solace,
Familiar like home,
Sudden appearance of spirits unknown.

White gown, knee length,
On dancing bare feet,
A curious look, a smile so sweet.

Come play with me girl,
This calls for delay,
Reminders of prior engagements now frayed.

Kept from her, Separate,
Relative jail,
Divided by bars of banister rails.

Disorientation,
Uncanny display,
Painted wood stairs lead every which way.

Come play with me girl,
We have to make due,
Ill take to the air and wait for you too.

Standing on hands,
Tumbling round,
Falling up to the only way down.

Her way to take wing,
Is yet to be found,
Unfortunate girl, she cant leave the ground.

Dreamtime encounters,
I pray not the last,
Unconscious release of displeasure held fast.

Come play with me girl,
Again we can try,

Come play with me girl,
I wish you could fly.

2010.06.30

There was a calm, nurturing presence about her, soft, strong and beautiful.  I fell in love with her almost immediately.  We sat for some time at the edge of her bed, just talking.  Must have been hours, though of course it seemed like much less. The topics of conversation revolved around her mostly.  Her interests, cultural background, family, past and present.  More importantly about the present, I was of course curious about her interests and attractions concerning myself.  Being that she was quite close with her family, I wondered how they felt about her getting involved with me on any level.  Me, the outsider.  Apparently the issue had come up already and no one seemed to mind.  She would be safe with me.  Im not sure if it would have changed her disposition towards me anyways, had they disapproved for some reason.  All was well and life was as usual in the desert.

The desert was where her family lived for as long as she could remember.  It was the desert, though not a hot, barren wasteland.  Sand dunes are replaced with patchwork bushes, small cactus and red rock mesas off in the distance.  They call a little silver trailer in the middle of all this home.  Its beautiful out here, just like her.  This place serving as a mirror for her, all her qualities.

She as to leave now.  Unfortunately I cant go with her at this moment.  Her and her brothers, maybe a few cousins, are on their way to town.  Supplies from the local markets was the purpose of the trip.  The possibility of a stop at the shopping mall was also mentioned as they hopped in a couple of older model pickup trucks.  Not really much is said otherwise.  The family just gets to doing whatever its time to do.  I step outside, saying goodbye to the girl and she replies with a simple smile.  It seemed to last forever…her smile.  I am left there standing alone in front of the trailer, alone in the desert.  I watch as the trucks drive off, billowing dust clouds in their wake.  I miss her already.

It is time for me to leave as well.  Im not exactly sure how I got out there, not having a car or ride otherwise.  I was so caught up in the moment, so wrapped up in my time with the girl that everything else ceased to matter.  My time with her seemed to have wiped any memory of events prior, leaving nothing but what was to come.  Something like that can be either a good or bad thing.  It all depends on where you were coming from.  There are no other cars left around so im assuming I was dropped off or walked here.  It doesn’t seem important anymore how I got there.  I decide to just start walking.  I set out unsure as to which direction I should be going.  It doesn’t seem important at this point either.

The air out is warm and dry.  Seems to be sometime around midday.  It is very bright out, in comparison to the shaded interior of the trailer.  Looking up towards the sun, already in descent from its highest point, I see a rather large bird flying directly above me.  It is low enough that it should be casting a shadow yet it does not.  I am able to make out more details as my eyes are given a chance to adjust.  I have never seen any bird of its like.  I guess from its shape and size that it is most likely an eagle, more closely resembling that of a bald eagle.  Most notable about the bird is the coloration of its feathers.  It is white all over except for the tips of its wings and tail feathers, which have a red tint them.  I wonder if its the natural look of the bird, or being that its a bird of prey, if it was stained by the blood of a recent kill.  Perhaps it was once covered in brilliant red, sun gradually bleaching all color from its plumes, leaving only faded remnants of its past.  Being that the case, I question how, as its underside would be shaded from the sun overhead.

The eagle continues to circle around above me, even as I walk out into the desert, away from the trailer.  It flies off a bit ahead, then suddenly drops altitude and lands directly in front of me about thirty meters away.  It is close enough now and at a better viewing angle, that I can make out more of its detail.  The coloring, both the white and red, is uneven and dull.  This makes it look dirty at first glance, slightly yellowed edges where a brilliant white should be, flecks of white creeping on the remaining patches of red.  I realize now that it is far from dirty.  In my prior experience, birds I have seen have always been well groomed, and this one is no exception.  The discoloration of its feathers is not from dirt, but rather its age.   I liken it to that of an elderly man, silvery white hair, spotty wrinkled skin.  This bird in particular is old, extremely old.  Old by bird standards and I imagine even human.  I can see its age clearly now though it is still visibly strong and capable.

Standing tall, and proud, its sharp eyes remain fixated on me as I continue to move closer.  It looks as if it is trying to tell me something, convey some message, maybe just showing itself on my level.  I want to ask it why its here, why im here, how it got here, where im going.  I want to ask it about its feathers, why they are colored they way they are.  Before I can get within reach, even a speaking distance, the eagle takes off to the sky, soaring ahead of me again.  This time flying further out, turning back before getting too far away, coming to float again directly overhead.

I am still walking across this desert, still no direction, still watching the eagle above, still intrigued by its unusual feathers.  I look up now and see it looking back.  I wonder what it is watching, what it sees.  I wonder what, if anything, it wants from me, what it knows about me.  Maybe its just bored and I am the only thing moving around out here in the midday sun.  It could very well be waiting for me to fall over dead so it can eat me.  Would be easy meal, all things considered, for a bird its size.  I doubt either is the case.  If it has something do, something to say, its going to have to come down again here and do it.  It is obviously waiting for something, waiting for me to do something.  Im sure ill find out eventually if I keep walking.

2010.05.31

Half to slumber, half to wake,
Three men stand before the gate.

Silhouette from midnight moon,
Shrouded in its shadowed shape.

Met as strangers still they wait,
Brothers now to unknown fates.

All their lives a tragic stage,
Three men hang before the gate.

Behind, three more and one delayed,
These before called home this place.

Eyes drawn closed, fell in to sleep,
Called to message not yet faced.

Seven alone and seven to stay,
Seven to hang before the gate.

2010.05.17

They have been following me for a while now.  I picked them up again a few blocks back and I dont think they realize ive been aware of their presence.  Its difficult to make them out at this time of night.  Im only able to catch a glimpse as they pass under the street lamps, but its mostly a feeling I get that they are near.  I can feel them back there, across the street, watching me.  Seeing that the lamp on the next corner happens to be broken, I decide to turn down the alley in an attempt to lose them in the dark.  I look back for a second, nothing there, just empty sidewalk.  Halfway down I finally see them turn in behind me, silhouetted against the hazy glow of the working lamp across the street.  Dark suits, dark trench coats, dark fedoras masking their faces in shadow.  They continue at an unnervingly casual pace, no hurry at all, still far behind me, though gaining ground.  I keep walking, not feeling a need to run yet.  I know they are after me, for what exactly im not sure.  I only know to keep moving down the alley, an alley with no back doors, driveways, trash bins, trash, fire escapes or anything else one would expect to find.  There is nothing but wet brick walls, rain gutters like bulging veins and areas of chain link fence, some waist high, some much taller, overgrown with leafy vines.  Two ways in and out.  I just want to get to the other side.

This part of town isnt the most desirable area.  As such, it lends itself well to the dealers, junkies, pimps, prostitutes and the like.  I see a couple of the girls working at the other end of the alley leading to the street.  One of the girls in particular, is standing, or was standing, going about her nightly business.  Seeing me nearing her corner, we exchange glances and she starts to walk over, closing the distance between me and the way out.  Close enough now for her to see my face clearly, its obvious to her that im not looking for a date.  She might have even realized it probably wasn’t a good idea to be near me as she starts to walk away, but I don’t know if she noticed the men following behind. It had been only seconds since I saw them turn down the alley and they had already caught up with me.  They are within arms reach now and they make their move.

The unfortunate girl steps away too late, into the thrust of a blade meant for me.  Her screams are silent as she gasps for breath, knife deep in her lower back.  The pain must be incredible.  The other man moves to attack now, but his slight distraction from the girl gave me a few seconds to prepare.  He swipes with his own knife and misses as I slip in before he can recover.  I catch him on the spot right under his jaw, causing him to fall over unconscious. I turn back to the other man, recovering his weapon from the girls back, throwing her to the side like litter to bleed on the ground.  He looks at me and sees something.  Something changes, he stands there frozen, knife in hand, making no move to attack or retreat.  Im looking right at him now, where his eyes should be, but there is no face, only the shadow under the hat.  I keep my eyes fixated on him as I kneel down to check on the girl.  It is taking all of my composure and discipline to keep from falling on him, finding his neck somewhere in the shadow and choking the life out of him.  All I can do is think of the girl lying there, needing to help her.  She is helpless, bleeding to death and in a great deal of pain.  I am angry at him because he did it, angry at myself because it was meant for me.

The man starts to back away taking only two steps before I respond.  “Go call for an ambulance and then wait” I tell him.  He steps away, off in the direction of a pay phone as I try to comfort the girl best I can.  She lying there half in the alley, half in the street.  I lean closer and tell her that its going to be okay, help is on the way.  I wrap my arms around her, keeping her from moving around too much, keeping her secure, keeping her warm.  She has lost a considerable amount of blood and her face is getting pale.  I look down to her and know that she is dying.  She doesn’t say a word, either unable or unwilling.  She doesn’t have to.  I can see it in her eyes.  Only minutes pass as the man returns, knife no longer in hand, sirens already heard in the distance.  I tell him again to stay and wait for the police.  He just stands there, silent like before, motionless.

The ambulance is only blocks away now, lights flashing on the buildings around the corner.  There is no one left around, only the failed assassin, myself and the girl next to me.   Still holding her, it looks like she is trying to speak now.  I can only see her lips, trembling as if trying to whisper something.  Looking into her eyes again I see she is ready to leave.  The last breath leaves from her just as the paramedics arrive.  They kneel down next to me, taking over, doing their jobs.  They try to bring her back but she is already gone.

She is gone and I walk away.

2010.04.28

I woke up earlier than usual this morning.  It was difficult to get out of bed and on my feet, body feeling like splintered wood.  Despite the sluggishness my mind is racing, fresh with dreams from the hours prior to waking.  I am occupied with how the events of the day will unfold, how much energy I will have on reserve.  Ive been pretty tired as of late.  Already into my morning routine, im having trouble getting going, trying to wake up, looking for some motivation for the day.  This day in particular is already feeling less than promising.

Time to go to work.  Time to leave the warm, dark confines of my apartment.  My mind is still spinning, thoughts being dragged along behind me.  The weight of them makes me feel heavy, slow.  I hate feeling slow.  Outside the air is freezing, eyes taking some time getting adjusted to the flood of bright sunlight.  It had apparently snowed at some point overnight, a light dusting of white visible over everything save the sidewalks and streets.  Typically the winter is a depressing time for myself.  Ive never could manage the holiday spirit with much grace, the constant cold and shortened days.  Everything is asleep, hidden away, waiting for spring.

I walk out into my day, like any other to be expected during these months, but something is different.  Its not until halfway through the parking lot that I see it.  Colored lights begin flashing everywhere.  Something like slivers of mirror, shattered glass, dancing around me in a cloud of particles.  I have never seen anything like this, something so beautiful and alien, let alone stood in the center of it.  It feels like ive stepped into another world, traveled through a portal of sorts.  The air around me shimmers with frost, tiny flecks of ice floating everywhere.

Time slows way down and I stop, losing myself in this place, no longer noticing the cold or thinking about my day.  My mind is perfectly still, dazzled by the light show on display.   This is magic, thousands of tiny prisms, winking in and out of existence.  I try to reach out and touch it, expecting that tingling, needle like sensation of it brushing across my skin, surprised to feel nothing at all.  There is nothing but the cold air as I pass through.  It makes me wonder if it is frost that im seeing at all.  Maybe reality is a little thinner here, deteriorated slightly at this moment.  Maybe the other world is leaking through.  Maybe im just slipping through again, it happens sometimes.  I think we all do at times.  Often its so brief and subtle that you can miss it with a deep breath, a blink.  Other times it could last so long and be so fantastic that you might end up feeling you have gone insane.  Whatever it is, sometimes it just makes you stop and marvel at the world around you.

Im moving again.  Im no long standing in that place between, that place between my apartment and the road, that place between worlds.  Schedules and priorities pull me away from the surreal experience, walking on to catch the bus.  The frost is thinner where I am now, but still visible behind me, for a time.  It starts to vanish as I get further away, gone by the time I reach the street corner.  Gone with it are my preoccupations from the morning, the uncertainty from the night before.  I walk away from it but it is still felt, carried with me through the rest of the day, that slow feeling.  Everything is a little clearer now, focused, my eyes are sharp.  I can still see my breath in the cold air, yet I a little warmer.

Slow.  I am moving so slow.  I like this slow feeling, different from before, the weight is gone.  I have to remember not to move so fast in the future.  I dont want to get in such a rush that I miss out on all the brilliance in the world, this one or the others.

2010.01.29

“You have to help me bring the horses in” she says.  “Im not sure how they got loose but i gotta get them back.”  Her ranch was a bit further back from were we currently were.  I ride with her down a wide dirt road, which eventually terminated into a large open field at the outskirts of the nearby town.  The animals had gathered at its opposite end, grazing at the tree line.  Her ranch must have been of a considerable size given the vast amount of horses out there.  In an area between the field and the town, a few small tents and booths had been recently erected.  I imagine there is some sort of local fair going on, though there doesn’t look to be anyone milling about.

Looking back I see that the woman has left unannounced, most likely back to her ranch.  Now alone to carry out my task, I head out into the field.  Only moments in, I am drawn towards the little outdoor market, curious as to what its contents are.  Its on the way to the herd so I figure I might as well check it out.  There are only a couple of the vendors out today, wares ranging from baked goods to handmade trinkets.  Each of them have displayed their goods spread across long tables, though strangely only one of the sellers is visible at their stall.  The rest, while their booths are obviously open for business, are nowhere to be found.  Maybe they have all gone on lunch break but I have no idea what time it is.  Im not wearing a watch.  Perhaps one of the vendors has one.

I stop over at the booth of a craftsman who has produced some of the most intricate and simplistic jewelry I had ever seen.  Some delicate as lace work or fine chain mail, others formed to basic rings and settings of subtle elegance.  Every metal and stone imaginable seemed to have been used in their construction.  After browsing his creations for a few minutes I notice a dog sitting close by that wasnt there previously.  It is staring intently at me and I can feel that something is different about this animal.  It looks to be a golden retriever but could possibly be a mixed breed.  Im thinking its just sitting around waiting for its owner to return as it is wearing a small black harness to which a leash can be attached.  Its ice blue eyes remained fixated on me, even as I turn back to the table.  “Time to go” I hear a voice say.  I twist around, unable to find who was talking.  There is only myself and the dog.  I look down to it again, still sitting, waiting, staring.  I know it was the dog speaking.  Speaking to me.  “The horses are waiting for you, no more time to waste here” it says to me.  The dog gets up and pads off in the direction of the field, looking back to see if I am following.

I am.

We reach the center of the field after a short time.  Much closer to the herd now there is nothing else around us for what seems like miles.  The tree line has expanded much further than before.  The town is also nowhere to be seen. Didnt seem like we had been walking that long.  I would have asked the dog about this but it seems to have gone off unnoticed somehow.  No matter, im here with the horses now.  I stand there watching them for a while as they graze, tails and ears flicking about like a nervous twitch.  I feel content and relaxed, simply watching, almost wanting to lay down in the tall grass.  One of them raises its head and casually begins breaking away from the rest.  It comes over slowly and stops with its side to me, turning its head and neck slightly to look at me.  It is not the largest horse, though not small either, back level with my shoulders.  Its hair is thick, almost woolen in places and a patchwork of caramel and ivory spots.  I notice now that the horse is old, or could be young and in ill health.  It is rather boney and not as sturdy and muscled as the rest.  Still standing at side, it motions with its head for me to come closer.  I take a few steps and stand next to the animal, now close enough to run my hands across its back and neck.  It is quite soft and sleek in some places, coarse in others.  It turns its head back, then slowly and unexpectedly, the horse kneels down, almost laying down entirely.  “Climb on” it says.  I hesitate at first, due to the visible state of its health, wondering if its capable of carrying me.  It waits patiently before asking again, and I eventually give in to its request.  I step over its back and it starts to stand up, lifting me off the ground.  It starts off at a slow walk before moving into a trot.  “Lead me in” it says.  I am still uncomfortable riding the animal due to its condition, but it seems to be holding my weight with little effort.  Having no saddle I rock around a bit on its bony back unable to find a rhythm with its steps.  It feels wrong to me.  I hop down off its back and walk with it for a moment.  “I dont want you to carry me” I say, “I will go beside you and lead you in.”

There is no more hesitation this time and I take off into a jog, horse trotting next to me.  It trots faster now, transitioning to a gallop, myself stepping up to a fast running pace.  We are paced evenly now and stay this way for a short time.  I look over to it and watch its form in motion, quick steps and long stride as it speeds up.  I listen to the sounds it makes, the rhythm of its hoofs striking the ground in sync with the beat of my heart.  Despite its sickly appearance I can see the strength it possesses.  I can feel the power of the horse now, moving through my body.  I feel myself accelerating as I start to mimic its steps, its breathing.  I start to pull ahead of it now, moving too fast for it to keep up, moving faster with each step I take.  I close my eyes for a moment and no longer feel human.  Legs, heart and breath moving in a smooth rhythm, wind brushing past my face.  I am horse, running across the field.  I feel so fast, so strong and free, almost losing myself in the experience.

Opening my eyes now, I slow down a little, remembering my purpose, to help lead the animals back.  I step down to a jog then into a walk, the horse following not far behind me.  We finally reach the edge of the field and see the woman waiting for us at the road.  I approach and let her know ive brought one of the horses in, pointing back into its direction, noticing now it has disappeared.  I turn again to the woman though she doesn’t seem concerned about its sudden absence.  “Well, what about the rest of them?” she asks.  I say nothing and look out to the field again.  I see the herd still grazing peacefully, waiting patiently.  “They’ll wait for me to bring them in, im in no rush” I say to her finally.  I know in my heart that they are and I will be back for them soon.

2010.02.23

I wake in the middle of the night from an unusual and disturbing dream.  Reflecting on that experience I sit up slightly onto my forearms and scan around the room.  Looking towards the foot of the bed I see what looks to be skeletal figures in the open closet opposite me.  I close and rub my eyes for a moment, hoping its just half sleep, or perhaps the light from my windows creating an illusion.

Blink…

Rub…

There are definitely skeletons there.

Their bones are the color of aged ivory and skulls slightly elongated towards the jawline.  Proportionally everything else seemed correct though I cant be sure as each was shrouded in dark hooded cloaks of varying colors.  They were hanging there like the rest of my clothes, facing to the side.  It looked like a procession of the long since dead, frozen in time, or perhaps in line for something.  I wonder what they are waiting for?

Maybe they are waiting to move on, letting go of their former lives.  Am I witnessing the passing from one state to the next?  If so, then what the hell are they doing in my closet?

Maybe the bones are actually mine.  They wait patiently for me to take them down and wear them.  Different bones and shrouds for different days.  Bones worn on the inside to give shape, provide stability.  Shrouds covering and protecting the exterior of that form .  I am looking at the wardrobe of my unconscious.  Did I wake up too soon? My brain could still operating on another frequency allowing me to see another layer of reality, not meant to be seen by waking eyes.

Maybe there was nothing there and im just hallucinating, again.  There was a lion staring at me last time.  Of course, it could just be how skeletons sleep.  I dont know for sure.  Ive never actually seen one sleep before.

2010.02.07

I had never been homeless before.  The immediate experience is something entirely unique.  There is an overwhelming sense of freedom from the constraints of property.  This countered by an equally unnerving sense of exposure.  At least initially it is.  It is almost completely dark out and my main concern is where to sleep once night falls.  I have been fortunate in finding a place after befriending an older gentleman in a similar situation as myself.

The main difference between us is that he has been homeless for quite some time now.  This has however allowed him to aquire a wealth of knowledge about surviving through uncertainty with relative comfort.  A knowledge one is unable to gain through any other means than the act of survival itself.  He is humble and kind enough to offer me a spot on the floor in one of the vacant rooms he uses around the city.  This one in particular he had been recently set up in so furnishings, in the very primitive sense, would be still be available.  Ill consider myself lucky to get a cardboard box.

There is about an hour or so left of daylight as I walk down the street towards the location of my temporary home.  It is in an abandoned room, in an abandoned hotel, in an abandoned part of town.  I have no clue as to how long the area has been this way, only that it is.  There are no other people walking about, no parked cars, animals or otherwise traces of life anywhere.  Its almost as if this part of the city was once a living being, now long since decayed to nothing but its bones.  The skeletal structure of the buildings and streets picked clean like carrion birds, by time and the elements.  Everything around is gray and varying shades of.  There is little evidence left of the color that once also inhabited the area.  What little grass still growing, in what looks to be the remains of a playground I pass, is heavily weeded and equally void of any vibrant green.

After a few blocks I walk up to a large four story building.  This one happens to contain the room that my elderly friend had lent me.  Its rather plain and rectangular shape matches that of the surrounding buildings.  The only feature to its facade would be in the small windows of its units recessed into the bricks.  I enter into the dark interior of the building and find it rather confusing how small it is, given the size of the structure from the outside.  The hallways are very narrow and seem to get smaller as I move further in.  I head towards the nearest staircase and up four flights of stairs to the floor where my room awaits.  There is nothing significant or noteworthy about the stairs, other than they share the same compacted quality as the hallways.

The room is surprisingly spacious.  It could possibly be an illusion magnified by the tiny hallways, or the lack of any furnishings.  Floors, walls, ceiling and windows, pretty basic room in every sense.  Other than a single mattress in the corner, the room is completely bare.  From the looks of it, the mattress is quite old and well used.  Its worn fabric covering is discolored from ancient stains and parts of it have apparently served as dinner to something at some point.  Stuffing, stitching, and springs hang like entrails from the small holes in its side.  Still, it is a good mattress and im in no position to be concerned with aesthetics.  Its also much more preferable to the alternative of the hard and dusty wood floor.

As I finally lie down, night completely takes over.  I notice it is strangely darker than im used to.  I was not expecting streetlights to be working, however there is no illumination of any kind, not even moonlight.  I wait for a moment and try to let my eyes adjust to the dark.  Nothing seems to be happening.  I close my eyes briefly only to open them again to darkness.  I think I have gone blind somehow.  It is different when your eyes are open and you sit in darkness, no reference to your surroundings.  It is more disorienting as your eyes struggle for any visual clues, any amount of light to work with.  Still, I look around for anything that might help.  I look towards where the windows should be and see nothing but black.  I look to my sides, hoping to see the walls looking back, nothing.  I hold my hand up to my face, waving to myself, greeted only to more of the void.  After a short time I give up, bringing my eyes to rest in a forward position, where I imagine the ceiling should be directly overhead,  still nothing.  Guess the nights are just really dark in this part of town.  Taking a moment to settle in, I find that the loss of vision has caused my other senses to heighten.  It is only slight at first but slowly amplifies as I start to relax.

I listen to the wind blowing down the street outside, catching leaves and refuse in its path, swatting at litter on the pavement like a cat at play.  I can hear the air now, moving around the room, pushing the accumulated dust across the floor like snow drifts over the plains.  Instinctively my eyes trace the sound of airflow, as if drawing a tangible path of light.  I can hear my own breath in front of me as I exhale…….inhale…..it echos through my nose into my lungs, like yelling into a deep cave in the earth.

I listen to my heartbeat, traveling there on the back of my breath.  I hear its steady cadence as it sends blood through my body.  I can feel the vessels traveling together to the extremities and back again to the point of origin.  I feel my ears expanding and contracting, a sensation of heat.

I listen to the room around me.  I can hear subtle creaking, individual boards of the wooden floor talking to each other.  I hear the rumbling sigh of the walls shifting and settling into place.  My eyes search about again as the windows rattle in their frames as if impatiently tapping their fingers.  I can feel them each individually, as part of the room, the greater whole of the building as if in my own body, stretching muscles and bones to find a comfortable position to sleep.

I can feel myself, the breath and beat inside me.  I can feel my surroundings and listen as sounds give shape to the darkness.  I can feel myself in the vacant structure, feel myself in the room, feel the rooms around me and the floors below.  I can feel it as something else enters the building.  The pressure in the air changes slightly as it crosses the threshold into the narrow hallways.  I hear it as it begins to ascend the stairs.

Its footsteps creak and squeal as it slowly moves from one wooden step to another.  The sound is getting louder now and the pace faster.  There is an irregularity in its pattern, possibly an acoustical side effect of the narrow hallways.  I wonder if it could be more than one of them.  Louder now, floorboards cry out as if some great mass tread across them.  I can feel it still, on its way through the stairwell, reaching the top floor where I lie.

I call out to my old friend and the footsteps stop immediately.  I suspect its him as no one else would have known of this abandoned place.  I wait momentarily for his reply.  I wait.  I wait.  No response.  The footsteps continue.  I call out again for my friend, desperation leaking its way into the forefront of my being.  The footsteps do not stop.  There is still no reply.

It is in the adjacent room now.  I dont bother calling out anymore.  I know its not my friend.  I want to get up, look for some light, something to identify whatever is approaching, but I cant move.  I want to get up but I am paralyzed, muscles are not working.  I am left with only the sounds and sensations of the world around me.  I am left in the dark and my eyes are wide open, terrified.  The footsteps fall silent, no more sounds, only the resonance of my breath, each one taken deep as if it were my last.  I feel the pressure change again as the thing enters the room.  I can feel it as it moves in next to me, rough skin brushing my arm.  It stops now and the room seems to be filled with the mass of this creature.  I feel like I have been hung from bough of some great tree, swinging slightly, scraping against the bark of its massive trunk.  This thought is shattered as its body begins to move again, starting to wind itself around mine.  The coarseness of its skin now feels more uniform, much like the scales of a giant snake or the dragons of lore.  There are scales and weight all over me now, coiling further around my motionless body, raking across my legs, further up my shoulders and neck.  With the size of the creature I would be unable to move even if I could.

It is getting harder to breathe as it winds tighter and tighter.  Its form is all that I can feel, no more room, building or street.  There is only this creature and myself held in its center.  I am so frightened, feeling more constricted and suffocated by the second.  All I can do is struggle for breath, eyes frantically looking around for some way out, something to help.  I see nothing but darkness.

I am forced to hear again, my heart pounding in my chest, blood pumping through my head.  I am forced to feel again, the weight of the monstrous creature surrounding me, how insignificant I am compared to it.  I hear the scales scrape one another and fpull at my flesh.  I hear myself screaming so loud inside, mouth unable to move.  I am becoming so confused, overwhelmed, senses overloaded, the dark, the blindness.  I close my eyes and become so tense I could possibly shatter.  I am forced to feel so much, unable to run from it, I lose consciousness.  I cant hear anymore, I cant feel anymore.  My vision is slowly regained and I try to focus in on my surroundings.  I am relieved to find myself in another place, another room, another reality.  I sit for a moment, the fear slowly washing away, the abandoned room and creature a fading memory.  But I cant forget.

I realize too late what happened and start to experience some regret.  Its too late for me to go back, at least not anytime soon.  Having never experienced anything like that before, the loss of vision, paralysis, terror is  of course understandable.  I understand now there was no reason to be scared, there was no real danger.  I wish I could go back and thank the creature.  I want to go back and be able to embrace it the way it did me.  I want to thank it for teaching me how to really hear.  Listening to the environment, the subtle sounds that define spaces both internal and external.  I want to thank it for teaching me how to really feel.  Noticing the various changes in the air, the process of my functioning body and surroundings as a natural extension.  I want to thank it for closing my eyes and teaching me how to see.

2010. 01. 10